I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
