i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
