I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
