My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Girls should come with a carfax report
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
