you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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