Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
