I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
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Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
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Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny