You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck