We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.