just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
