we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
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They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
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So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies