see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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