Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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