Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
