hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
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When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
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Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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