Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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