he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
