You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
