Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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