He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
