Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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