can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
he just fucked me for my cheese..
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
