she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
