he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
