You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
