mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
