She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
