Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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