You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
