sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
