Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
