Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
