yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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