Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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