he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
