Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
