I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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