so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
