Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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