did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
