You're my little dorito
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
