Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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