i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
