Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I am naked and annoyed.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
