I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
