Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
