I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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