tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
