Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I understand Curling. That high.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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