Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
