I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
