Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
