When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
