I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
