So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
