She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
