the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
