8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
