Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
