I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
