I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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