You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
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The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
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I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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